Flapping Purple Butterfly
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The images are fading, but the fear is still there.
I wish no one ever told me it was assault. I thought I was in control the whole time, and that I was just a slut for letting him sleep with me.
I have always had anxiety about not being in control of my body or my thoughts, and even in other aspects of my life.
They told me it was sexual assault. The hardest part to deal with was that I was never in control when it happened.
Now it’s playing on my mind. I have some many new triggers. I am too scared to sleep, because I know Ill dream about it. I cant control my thoughts.
Ever since getting out of the hospital, I have had people calling me, seeing me, and monitoring me. I have no control in what I do during my days. All parts of me are separated, between the many people.
And my body… Not only did I not have control during the assault, but I cant control my body now either. I shake, lots. My whole body feels like a million sparks going off.
I cant breathe.
Someone is holding down my chest. I want to push them off. But no one is there.
I have control over my life.
I dont want this.
What did I do, to deserve this?
I never asked for any of this.
I want everyone to leave me alone.

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